It's who I am... How I think... and what I'd like to share to the world...

Monday, July 23, 2007

WI FI SUCKS...

Wi-Fi sucks coz it keeps disconnecting. It's online but it doesn't really work. Especially when it reaches certain hours of the wee morning. That's why I wasn't able to make yesterday's entry. So here I go again.

DAY NINE
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE

POINT TO PONDER: God smiles when I trust Him.
VERSE TO REMEMBER: "The Lord is pleased with those who worship him and trust his love." Psalm 147:11
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: Since God knows what is best, in what areas of my life do I need to trust him most?

I have a simple answer to that question and it can be said in just two words: my future.

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Saturday, July 21, 2007

GOING ON WITH THE JOURNEY

DAY EIGHT
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE

POINT TO PONDER: I was planned for God's pleasure.
VERSE TO REMEMBER: "The Lord takes pleasure in his people." Psalm 149:4a
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: What common task could I start doing as if I were doing it directly for Jesus?

I could think of one: reviewing for my December board exam. Di kasi ako nagbabasa eh... Wala yung motivation...

Another one: praying upon waking and praying before sleeping...

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SKIPPED AGAIN...

I forgot to make an entry for yesterday again... Arrrgh...Okay well it's over so I'll just have to make two for today... (is that cheating??)

DAY SEVEN
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE

POINT TO PONDER: It's all for him.
VERSE TO REMEMBER: "For everything comes from God alone. Everything lives by his power, and everything is for his glory." Romans 11:36
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: Where in my daily routine can I become more aware of God's glory?

At first the answer to this question stumped me for a few minutes. But as I read it again, the answer just came to me: I become more aware of God's glory upon waking up and before going to bed.

I was brought up to say my bedtime prayers. But along the way, I seemed to have forgotten this beautiful habit. There were times that I felt guilty for not praying, so I'd start praying every night before I went to sleep. But after a few days, I'd stop again.

Now, I hope that it continues so that every day, each time I open my eyes to a new morning and before I sleep at night, I would remember how glorious God is. He gave me another full day to glorify Him.

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Thursday, July 19, 2007

WHAT A DAY

I feel happy today. My friends from Baguio are on vacation here in Vigan and we just spent the whole afternoon together. I toured them around on the local sites. We then went to our house for a quick tour and merienda afterwards. We headed to the beach to catch a glimpse of the sunset and then they brought me home... One of the happiest days of my life.

DAY SIX
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE

POINT TO PONDER: This world is not my home.
VERSE TO REMEMBER: "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: How should the fact that life on earth is just a temporary assignment change the way I am living right now?

The fact that life on earth is just a temporary thing does not mean that we should live on the "here and now"... Actually this is the wrong way of going about it. We should focus on the bigger picture, view our life as a preparation for the time when we go back to our real home, HEAVEN. I for one, should stop worrying whether I'd be a big hit in my career or all of the worries and fears that I have. Instead, I should learn to view life as something that is much much more than the worldly things we see. Something and someone is far greater and bigger than us.

When life gets tough, when you're overwhelmed with doubt, or when you wonder if living for Christ is worth the effort, remember that you are not home yet. At death you won't leave home--you'll go home.

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Wednesday, July 18, 2007

2nd ENTRY FOR THE DAY

DAY FIVE
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE

POINT TO PONDER: Life is a test and a trust.
VERSE TO REMEMBER: "Unless you are faithful in small matters, you won't be faithful in large ones." Luke 16:10a(NLT)
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: What has happened to me recently that I now realize was a test from God? What are the greatest matters God has entrusted to me?

I have been through quite a lot this past few months. My relationship with my eldest sister has clearly gone down the drain. Flushed. We rarely got along, and during those times that we seemed friendly to each other it felt like Lincoln Burrows and Theodore Bagwell (characters in the hit TV series "Prison break") being chummy with each other. Scary thought. So many other things happened, and those were the times that I clung to God with all that's left in me. If God was there in the same room as me I'd have my arms around his legs holding on for dear life until my knuckles turned white. I had this friendship bracelet that I always wore during those times.
But now that it seems that I'm problem-free, I'm back to my old self: not really thinking about God, more like thinking about myself. Old news.

God entrusted me with a lot of talents. My youngest sister calls me the "Jack of all trades, Master of none." But I haven't been "sharing" these talents. I felt ashamed, or more like inferior to the others who are really good at most of the ones that I know. So I tend to shy away from moments when people would be asking for a little ice breaker during seminars. I still blame my parents for having a hand at this too. They wanted me to stay "focused on my studies" and not to dabble in activities unrelated to my future career. I feel like my soul died during the four years that I was in college because of the lack of passion for things that I did...

God also entrusted me with intelligence (it's true so why deny it?), but I have been too lazy to put it to good use. I haven't always been like this. Fresh out of high school, I was used to an environment where there was a healthy competition. Reciting and voicing out ideas or opinions were a norm in my alma mater. But when I entered college, it was a different game. I was almost always the one with her hand in the air, always ready with an answer. But when I looked around, eyebrows were raised. The gossip came back to me and what I heard was really disheartening. My classmates thought that I was a "know-it-all". I cared a lot of what other thought of me back then. So even if I was itching to raise my hand and answer (even if it would be to break the silence in the classroom because NO ONE wanted to answer and we weren't going anywhere with the discussion), I'd sit quietly with downcast eyes just to avoid the teacher's radar.

So much for all that God gave me...

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I MISSED.

I didn't write an entry for my 4th day!!! Argh! It's because I kept postponing it until later and then I was doing other things, other unimportant stuff like watch a series (PRISONBREAK SEASON 2). But honestly though before I retired for the night (actually it was way past 2 in the morning), I still read the 4th chapter and realized that it was apt for what I've done for the whole day...

DAY FOUR
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE

POINT TO PONDER: There is more to life than just here and now.
VERSE TO REMEMBER: "This world is fading away, along with everything it craves. But if you do the will of God, you will live forever." 1 John 2:17 (NLT)
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: Since I was made to last forever, what is the one thing I should stop doing and the one thing I should start doing today?

I for one know what I should really stop doing, and that is to stop procrastinating!!!

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Monday, July 16, 2007

A PURPOSE.

DAY THREE
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE

POINT TO PONDER: Living on purpose is the path to peace.
VERSE TO REMEMBER: "You, LORD, give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you." Isaiah 26:3 (TEV)
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: What would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life? What do I want it to be?

In answer to the question, my family would say that the driving force of my life is to become financially secure, find the perfect mate, build a happy home and raise wonderful children. My friends would say that the driving force of my life is to become ultra successful. I say that the driving force of my life is to become so rich that I'd never have to work ever again.

But obviously, all these are for all the wrong reasons. A verse from Ecclesiastes 4:4 says: I observed that the basic motive for success is the driving force of envy and jealousy! I find this true. For so long, I wished that I would become so successful in my future. For so long, I've always tried to please everyone around me especially my parents. For so long, I have given up almost everything that I am passionate about just so I could give way to the more "practical" decisions. But for so long, I have felt EMPTY...

The book cites 5 most common circumstances, values, and emotions that can drive a person's life:
1. Many people are driven by guilt. In my past, there have been many mistakes that I had regretted doing for quite a long time. I kept punishing myself for that. The time when I came home to my parents drunk from a friend's birthday party (which I totally ruined coz I made a scene. I'm so sorry...), I felt totally awful. Since then, I stayed at home. I didn't even bother to ask my parents if I could attend a social gathering where I was invited. I would turn it down myself. I felt that I didn't deserve to go. But I have let this guilt go now. Sure, there were other mistakes and I know that there will be even more. I just hope that I would be able to not regret the decisions I make and take it all in stride. Learn from it, then move on. God specializes in giving people a fresh start. The Bible says, "What happiness for those whose guilt has been forgiven! What relief for those who have confessed their sins and God has cleared their record (The Purpose Driven Life).
2. Many people are driven by resentment and anger. I don't know if I am. But I am certain that there is a big part of me that is hurting. There is a great storm brewing inside of me. Once, I have let it out and it proved to have a very devastating effect. I was scared of myself, of what I am capable of doing when I was angry. I thought that I was able to forgive these trespasses and have let go of them. Apparently not because it has resurrected and it's slowly eating me away. For your own sake, learn from it, and then let it go. The Bible says, "To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do (The Purpose Driven Life)."
3. Many people are driven by fear. Yes, I am one of them. I fear the future -- my future. I feel scared whenever I think that someday I'd be a failure, I'd end up broke, I'd die all alone. Fear is a self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends for you to be. You must move against it with the weapons of faith and love. The Bible says, "Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life--fear of death, fear of judgment--is one not yet fully formed in love (The Purpose Driven Life)."
4. Many people are driven by materialism. This echoes throughout my entry. Your value is not determined by your valuables, and God says the most valuable things in life are not things! Real security can only be found in that which can never be taken from you--your relationship with God (The Purpose Driven Life).
5. Many people are driven by the need for approval. That holds true for me. I get hurt so easily and secretly cry so much whenever I feel that someone is disappointed in me or does not approve of what I say or do (especially my parents). I want to please them so much that I ended up losing myself in the process. One key to failure is to try to please everyone. Jesus said, "No one can serve two masters (The Purpose Driven Life)."

Through all these, I should keep in mind the following 5 benefits of purpose-driven living:
1. Knowing your purpose gives meaning to your life. Hope is essential to your life as air and water. You need hope to cope. "God is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of-- infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes." (The Purpose Driven Life)
2. Knowing your purpose simplifies your life. Your purpose becomes the standard you use to evaluate which activities are essential and which aren't. You simply ask, "Does this activity help me fulfill one of God's purposes for my life?" The Bible says, " A pretentious, showy life is an empty life; a plain and simple life is a full life." (The Purpose Driven Life)
3. Knowing your purpose focuses your life. It concentrates your effort and energy on what's important. You become effective by being selective. The Bible says, "Don't live carelessly, unthinkingly. Make sure you understand what the Master wants." If you want your life to have impact, focus it! Stop dabbling. Stop trying to do it all. Do less. Prune away even good activities and do only that which matters most. Never confuse activity with productivity. (The Purpose Driven Life)
4. Knowing your purpose motivates your life. Purpose always produces passion. Nothing energizes like a clear purpose. On the other hand, passion dissipates when you lack a purpose. It is usually meaningless work, not overwork, that wears us down, saps our strength, and robs our joy. George Bernard Shaw wrote, "This is the true joy of life: the being used up for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clot of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy." (The Purpose Driven Life)
5. Knowing your purpose prepares you for eternity. You weren't put on earth to be remembered. You were put here to prepare for eternity. The Bible says, " Remember, each of us will stand personally before the judgment seat of God... Yes, each of us will have to give a personal account to God." From the Bible we can surmise that God will ask us two crucial questions: First, "What did you do with my Son, Jesus Christ?"... did you accept what Jesus did for you and did you learn to love and trust him> Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." Second, "What did you do with what I gave you?" What did you do with your life--all the gifts, talents, opportunities, energy, relationships and resources God gave you? Did you spend them on yourself, or did you use them for the purposes God made you for? (The Purpose Driven Life)

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Sunday, July 15, 2007

ALMOST DIDN'T EVEN READ IT!

Okay, okay, it seems that my resolve isn't as strong as I thought. But hey! I'm here, right? I'm writing out a post for day 2 of reading the book "The Purpose Driven Life."

DAY TWO
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE

POINT TO PONDER: I am not an accident.
VERSE TO REMEMBER: "I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born." (Isaiah 44:2)
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: Knowing that God uniquely created me, what areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?

There were times when I was younger I would secretly feel short-handed by God; that I would silently reproach God and ask why he gave me such awful allergies. I felt I was shunned back then because of the breakouts on my skin. Kids my age called me awful names. But thankfully, I survived all that name-calling. I grew up and when I entered college, I discovered that I was far better off than most people who also had allergies. Mine was nothing compared to what they had to deal with. Theirs were life-threatening. Mine was nothing a little bit of ointment and dietary discipline couldn't handle. Now, I silently thank God for not giving me something much worse (but I still ask Him for healing.Haha!)

There were times too that I struggled to accept what people thought of me because of the way I dealt with them. They told me that I was a stuck-up. I was always class president, so I felt I had to be strict, no-nonsense and by-the-book, which later on reflected in my social affairs. I realized that I had few friends then. I was a student leader, on the honor roll and active in my extra-curricular activities. But more often than not I was left out on the slumber parties, birthday parties and every social event among my peers. I partly blamed my parents for not having allowed me to go, but I wasn't Ms. Congeniality either, or so they perceived me to be. I knew that I wasn't hard to get along with. I just didn't have anyone to get along with. No one cared enough to dig deeper, and those few who did, I didn't allow to get too close.

So I changed. I became more lax. My social circle started to grow, but my leadership skills were slowly going down the drain. At some point I lost control and I wasn't that responsible, stuck-up girl anymore. I was still active in my extracurriculars, still on the honor roll, but something was amiss. Not only were my leadership skills gone, but my desire to be a leader was gone too. And so was my sense of responsibility. I got tired I guess. I didn't want to be responsible anymore. I wanted someone else to take the reins for a change. But as I later found out, I am the only one responsible for myself. I still am not a student leader and I never did try to get back on the horse, but now I do try to be responsible for all my actions.

The only thing that's hard for me to accept now is a certain part of my private life (which I do not care to divulge in this blog). But as my 4-year old nephew sat on my lap tonight while I typed this entry, I knew that I'm glad he was there. Even though he was unplanned, he wasn't an accident. I'm still grateful to God for planning on bringing him into all our lives...and that is something I wouldn't change for the world.

I would like to share with you this beautiful poem by Russell Kelfer (which I read from this chapter):

You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by th Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!

This poem summed it all up for me...

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Saturday, July 14, 2007

THE PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE:DAY 1

I've been trying to finish this book, "The Purpose Driven Life". At the end of each chapter, there is supposed to be some sort of reflection and it gives you a question to consider, a point to ponder and a verse to remember. But I never really got around to its ending. That's because to be able to maximize the potential of this book, you have to read one chapter per day. It has 40 chapters, meaning 40 days. I never even got to the 5th.

But yesterday, this book was just lying on my desk (gathering dust) and it kept catching my eye... So I read it. I have decided that in my quest to finish this 40-day journey, I will write it in my blog so that I will have no reason not to finish it. Here goes...

DAY ONE
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE

POINT TO PONDER: It's not about me.
VERSE TO REMEMBER: "Everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him." Colossians 1:16b (Msg)
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?

If you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God. You were born by his purpose and for his purpose (The Purpose Driven Life).

If I am to be brutally honest with myself, I could say that I have lost my spirituality. Oh sure, there are times that I pray, but those times were when I was having problems I couldn't seem to understand. But most of the time, when I am happy I don't even pause to think of Him. I don't go to mass because I always thought that "going to mass every Sunday doesn't prove that you are a good person, one who stays on the 'right path'. It's in what you say and do everyday that makes you a child of God." With that line of thinking, attempts at attending mass dwindled until eventually I stopped altogether.

It was a joke among my friends and I about my not attending mass. I'd say to them that if I go, I might burn into ashes even before I enter the church doors. We'd laugh about it then move on to different things. Some of my friends would even ask me to come with them to church but there will always be an alibi ready. But oftentimes there is this little voice niggling me in the back of my head pleading me to go to mass. I'd immediately dismiss it, squishing the little voice into silence.

For quite a long time, I have felt empty. Listless. I felt like a leaf blown every which way by whatever wind that caught it. There were many attempts at trying to fill that void. I partied and went out with friends almost every chance I got. I dated random guys (but never mated). Everything looked okay, but it still didn't feel right. Every night I would lie awake for awhile just thinking, "Why do I feel so empty?", and I would wait for an answer. In the quiet of each night that I pondered this question, it slowly dawned on me. Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life ( The Purpose Driven Life). I have always been so distracted with myself and with all the "important things" in my life that I have kept pushing God aside. My world did not revolve around Him and that's were my fault lies.

I want to keep this thought in mind to constantly remind myself not to be so self-centered. I want to rediscover the joy I had when I was a child. In order to attain this, I must remind myself that it is not about me but it is about God; that it all starts with GOD. I can't promise that after publishing this entry, I would be all religious and prayerful, no. I don't want to be hypocritical. It is best that I take it one day at a time just like what the book said. Hopefully, I find my way back to Him.

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