I'm often the quiet one in the family especially when I was in grade school and high school, talking only when being spoken to. Maybe because back then, I felt that if I spoke up, I wouldn't be heard anyway. So why try? Being the middle child in a brood of five is difficult, especially if the age gap is only about a year apart. A middle child is not really quite "here" nor "there". She's not one of the "panganays" and neither is she one of the "bunsos". Everybody knows that the two aforementioned are the ones who get the most attention.

My room mate was my ate. We never really understood each other though because she was already dealing with adolescence, puberty and high school while I was worrying over... I don't know. My brother, being the only boy in the family, didn't really want to hang out with girls back then (alam mo namaaan ang mga lalakeeee). The two youngest had each other. Being a middle child, I was mostly left alone (in a manner of speaking).

So in my young mind, I said to myself that I have to excel in order to be noticed. I started young. In Kindergarten, I was the only one among my siblings who would be able to study her lessons by herself (that's what mom told us). If I needed help, only then will I approach mom. This went on to grade school and then high school. I was on the honor's list and I was active in many school activities, even the student council.

I was doing great. I was almost perfect. Until one day something happened to me and I realized that I've shut out most of the people in my life, even my family. I've never really been close to anyone, not even that close to my own brother and sisters. I was uptight and quite lonely.

I was spending my last summer before freshman college started. I started to change myself then. I wanted to be closer to my two younger sisters, to my parents and to my friends, but I didn't know how to do it. I was awkward. By the time I went off to college, I didn't really know if I made any difference at all.

Now that I'm in college and graduating this school year, a lot of things have changed. I've grown and learned from life but I know I still have much to learn. I'm not as shy as before and now I'm more able to adjust to things and to people who come from different cultures and from all walks of life.

But at home, I'm still that quiet little child. A little more talkative, a little less shy, yet essentially the same.

The people who are closest to my heart are the people whom I find it difficult to be closest to. This, in turn, makes it difficult for them to really understand me. So whenever I do something that they think is out of character, they think I'm overly sensitive or rebelling. But I'm not. People change. I changed. My only problem is I find it difficult to show it to my family. I was just trying to show who I am. But whenever I do try, I end up getting my feelings hurt or hurting other people's feelings or both. I withdraw and shy away. It's a vicious cycle.

I love my family dearly. I don't think they realize just how much. They may be annoying sometimes and we may have quarrels and misunderstandings, but that's just part of it all. I'd do everything within my capabilities for them. I do my best to understand them and love them unconditionally. But what I have forgotten was to let them really understand me. To show to them who I really am. So now, another change is happening. I know it will be slow and painful, but it is what's necessary.