czarinamathilda

WI FI SUCKS...

2007-07-23T19:32:00.001+08:00

Wi-Fi sucks coz it keeps disconnecting. It's online but it doesn't really work. Especially when it reaches certain hours of the wee morning. That's why I wasn't able to make yesterday's entry. So here I go again.

DAY NINE
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE

POINT TO PONDER: God smiles when I trust Him.
VERSE TO REMEMBER: "The Lord is pleased with those who worship him and trust his love." Psalm 147:11
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: Since God knows what is best, in what areas of my life do I need to trust him most?

I have a simple answer to that question and it can be said in just two words: my future.

GOING ON WITH THE JOURNEY

2007-07-21T20:31:00.001+08:00

DAY EIGHT
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE

POINT TO PONDER: I was planned for God's pleasure.
VERSE TO REMEMBER: "The Lord takes pleasure in his people." Psalm 149:4a
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: What common task could I start doing as if I were doing it directly for Jesus?

I could think of one: reviewing for my December board exam. Di kasi ako nagbabasa eh... Wala yung motivation...

Another one: praying upon waking and praying before sleeping...

SKIPPED AGAIN...

2007-07-21T19:19:00.000+08:00

I forgot to make an entry for yesterday again... Arrrgh...Okay well it's over so I'll just have to make two for today... (is that cheating??)

DAY SEVEN
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE

POINT TO PONDER: It's all for him.
VERSE TO REMEMBER: "For everything comes from God alone. Everything lives by his power, and everything is for his glory." Romans 11:36
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: Where in my daily routine can I become more aware of God's glory?

At first the answer to this question stumped me for a few minutes. But as I read it again, the answer just came to me: I become more aware of God's glory upon waking up and before going to bed.

I was brought up to say my bedtime prayers. But along the way, I seemed to have forgotten this beautiful habit. There were times that I felt guilty for not praying, so I'd start praying every night before I went to sleep. But after a few days, I'd stop again.

Now, I hope that it continues so that every day, each time I open my eyes to a new morning and before I sleep at night, I would remember how glorious God is. He gave me another full day to glorify Him.

WHAT A DAY

2007-07-19T22:51:00.000+08:00

I feel happy today. My friends from Baguio are on vacation here in Vigan and we just spent the whole afternoon together. I toured them around on the local sites. We then went to our house for a quick tour and merienda afterwards. We headed to the beach to catch a glimpse of the sunset and then they brought me home... One of the happiest days of my life.

DAY SIX
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE

POINT TO PONDER: This world is not my home.
VERSE TO REMEMBER: "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: How should the fact that life on earth is just a temporary assignment change the way I am living right now?

The fact that life on earth is just a temporary thing does not mean that we should live on the "here and now"... Actually this is the wrong way of going about it. We should focus on the bigger picture, view our life as a preparation for the time when we go back to our real home, HEAVEN. I for one, should stop worrying whether I'd be a big hit in my career or all of the worries and fears that I have. Instead, I should learn to view life as something that is much much more than the worldly things we see. Something and someone is far greater and bigger than us.

When life gets tough, when you're overwhelmed with doubt, or when you wonder if living for Christ is worth the effort, remember that you are not home yet. At death you won't leave home--you'll go home.

2nd ENTRY FOR THE DAY

2007-07-18T19:47:00.000+08:00

DAY FIVE
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE

POINT TO PONDER: Life is a test and a trust.
VERSE TO REMEMBER: "Unless you are faithful in small matters, you won't be faithful in large ones." Luke 16:10a(NLT)
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: What has happened to me recently that I now realize was a test from God? What are the greatest matters God has entrusted to me?

I have been through quite a lot this past few months. My relationship with my eldest sister has clearly gone down the drain. Flushed. We rarely got along, and during those times that we seemed friendly to each other it felt like Lincoln Burrows and Theodore Bagwell (characters in the hit TV series "Prison break") being chummy with each other. Scary thought. So many other things happened, and those were the times that I clung to God with all that's left in me. If God was there in the same room as me I'd have my arms around his legs holding on for dear life until my knuckles turned white. I had this friendship bracelet that I always wore during those times.
But now that it seems that I'm problem-free, I'm back to my old self: not really thinking about God, more like thinking about myself. Old news.

God entrusted me with a lot of talents. My youngest sister calls me the "Jack of all trades, Master of none." But I haven't been "sharing" these talents. I felt ashamed, or more like inferior to the others who are really good at most of the ones that I know. So I tend to shy away from moments when people would be asking for a little ice breaker during seminars. I still blame my parents for having a hand at this too. They wanted me to stay "focused on my studies" and not to dabble in activities unrelated to my future career. I feel like my soul died during the four years that I was in college because of the lack of passion for things that I did...

God also entrusted me with intelligence (it's true so why deny it?), but I have been too lazy to put it to good use. I haven't always been like this. Fresh out of high school, I was used to an environment where there was a healthy competition. Reciting and voicing out ideas or opinions were a norm in my alma mater. But when I entered college, it was a different game. I was almost always the one with her hand in the air, always ready with an answer. But when I looked around, eyebrows were raised. The gossip came back to me and what I heard was really disheartening. My classmates thought that I was a "know-it-all". I cared a lot of what other thought of me back then. So even if I was itching to raise my hand and answer (even if it would be to break the silence in the classroom because NO ONE wanted to answer and we weren't going anywhere with the discussion), I'd sit quietly with downcast eyes just to avoid the teacher's radar.

So much for all that God gave me...

I MISSED.

2007-07-18T14:10:00.000+08:00

I didn't write an entry for my 4th day!!! Argh! It's because I kept postponing it until later and then I was doing other things, other unimportant stuff like watch a series (PRISONBREAK SEASON 2). But honestly though before I retired for the night (actually it was way past 2 in the morning), I still read the 4th chapter and realized that it was apt for what I've done for the whole day...

DAY FOUR
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE

POINT TO PONDER: There is more to life than just here and now.
VERSE TO REMEMBER: "This world is fading away, along with everything it craves. But if you do the will of God, you will live forever." 1 John 2:17 (NLT)
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: Since I was made to last forever, what is the one thing I should stop doing and the one thing I should start doing today?

I for one know what I should really stop doing, and that is to stop procrastinating!!!

A PURPOSE.

2007-07-16T19:50:00.000+08:00

DAY THREE
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE

POINT TO PONDER: Living on purpose is the path to peace.
VERSE TO REMEMBER: "You, LORD, give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you." Isaiah 26:3 (TEV)
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: What would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life? What do I want it to be?

In answer to the question, my family would say that the driving force of my life is to become financially secure, find the perfect mate, build a happy home and raise wonderful children. My friends would say that the driving force of my life is to become ultra successful. I say that the driving force of my life is to become so rich that I'd never have to work ever again.

But obviously, all these are for all the wrong reasons. A verse from Ecclesiastes 4:4 says: I observed that the basic motive for success is the driving force of envy and jealousy! I find this true. For so long, I wished that I would become so successful in my future. For so long, I've always tried to please everyone around me especially my parents. For so long, I have given up almost everything that I am passionate about just so I could give way to the more "practical" decisions. But for so long, I have felt EMPTY...

The book cites 5 most common circumstances, values, and emotions that can drive a person's life:
1. Many people are driven by guilt. In my past, there have been many mistakes that I had regretted doing for quite a long time. I kept punishing myself for that. The time when I came home to my parents drunk from a friend's birthday party (which I totally ruined coz I made a scene. I'm so sorry...), I felt totally awful. Since then, I stayed at home. I didn't even bother to ask my parents if I could attend a social gathering where I was invited. I would turn it down myself. I felt that I didn't deserve to go. But I have let this guilt go now. Sure, there were other mistakes and I know that there will be even more. I just hope that I would be able to not regret the decisions I make and take it all in stride. Learn from it, then move on. God specializes in giving people a fresh start. The Bible says, "What happiness for those whose guilt has been forgiven! What relief for those who have confessed their sins and God has cleared their record (The Purpose Driven Life).
2. Many people are driven by resentment and anger. I don't know if I am. But I am certain that there is a big part of me that is hurting. There is a great storm brewing inside of me. Once, I have let it out and it proved to have a very devastating effect. I was scared of myself, of what I am capable of doing when I was angry. I thought that I was able to forgive these trespasses and have let go of them. Apparently not because it has resurrected and it's slowly eating me away. For your own sake, learn from it, and then let it go. The Bible says, "To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do (The Purpose Driven Life)."
3. Many people are driven by fear. Yes, I am one of them. I fear the future -- my future. I feel scared whenever I think that someday I'd be a failure, I'd end up broke, I'd die all alone. Fear is a self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends for you to be. You must move against it with the weapons of faith and love. The Bible says, "Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life--fear of death, fear of judgment--is one not yet fully formed in love (The Purpose Driven Life)."
4. Many people are driven by materialism. This echoes throughout my entry. Your value is not determined by your valuables, and God says the most valuable things in life are not things! Real security can only be found in that which can never be taken from you--your relationship with God (The Purpose Driven Life).
5. Many people are driven by the need for approval. That holds true for me. I get hurt so easily and secretly cry so much whenever I feel that someone is disappointed in me or does not approve of what I say or do (especially my parents). I want to please them so much that I ended up losing myself in the process. One key to failure is to try to please everyone. Jesus said, "No one can serve two masters (The Purpose Driven Life)."

Through all these, I should keep in mind the following 5 benefits of purpose-driven living:
1. Knowing your purpose gives meaning to your life. Hope is essential to your life as air and water. You need hope to cope. "God is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of-- infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes." (The Purpose Driven Life)
2. Knowing your purpose simplifies your life. Your purpose becomes the standard you use to evaluate which activities are essential and which aren't. You simply ask, "Does this activity help me fulfill one of God's purposes for my life?" The Bible says, " A pretentious, showy life is an empty life; a plain and simple life is a full life." (The Purpose Driven Life)
3. Knowing your purpose focuses your life. It concentrates your effort and energy on what's important. You become effective by being selective. The Bible says, "Don't live carelessly, unthinkingly. Make sure you understand what the Master wants." If you want your life to have impact, focus it! Stop dabbling. Stop trying to do it all. Do less. Prune away even good activities and do only that which matters most. Never confuse activity with productivity. (The Purpose Driven Life)
4. Knowing your purpose motivates your life. Purpose always produces passion. Nothing energizes like a clear purpose. On the other hand, passion dissipates when you lack a purpose. It is usually meaningless work, not overwork, that wears us down, saps our strength, and robs our joy. George Bernard Shaw wrote, "This is the true joy of life: the being used up for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clot of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy." (The Purpose Driven Life)
5. Knowing your purpose prepares you for eternity. You weren't put on earth to be remembered. You were put here to prepare for eternity. The Bible says, " Remember, each of us will stand personally before the judgment seat of God... Yes, each of us will have to give a personal account to God." From the Bible we can surmise that God will ask us two crucial questions: First, "What did you do with my Son, Jesus Christ?"... did you accept what Jesus did for you and did you learn to love and trust him> Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." Second, "What did you do with what I gave you?" What did you do with your life--all the gifts, talents, opportunities, energy, relationships and resources God gave you? Did you spend them on yourself, or did you use them for the purposes God made you for? (The Purpose Driven Life)

ALMOST DIDN'T EVEN READ IT!

2007-07-15T20:19:00.000+08:00

Okay, okay, it seems that my resolve isn't as strong as I thought. But hey! I'm here, right? I'm writing out a post for day 2 of reading the book "The Purpose Driven Life."

DAY TWO
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE

POINT TO PONDER: I am not an accident.
VERSE TO REMEMBER: "I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born." (Isaiah 44:2)
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: Knowing that God uniquely created me, what areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?

There were times when I was younger I would secretly feel short-handed by God; that I would silently reproach God and ask why he gave me such awful allergies. I felt I was shunned back then because of the breakouts on my skin. Kids my age called me awful names. But thankfully, I survived all that name-calling. I grew up and when I entered college, I discovered that I was far better off than most people who also had allergies. Mine was nothing compared to what they had to deal with. Theirs were life-threatening. Mine was nothing a little bit of ointment and dietary discipline couldn't handle. Now, I silently thank God for not giving me something much worse (but I still ask Him for healing.Haha!)

There were times too that I struggled to accept what people thought of me because of the way I dealt with them. They told me that I was a stuck-up. I was always class president, so I felt I had to be strict, no-nonsense and by-the-book, which later on reflected in my social affairs. I realized that I had few friends then. I was a student leader, on the honor roll and active in my extra-curricular activities. But more often than not I was left out on the slumber parties, birthday parties and every social event among my peers. I partly blamed my parents for not having allowed me to go, but I wasn't Ms. Congeniality either, or so they perceived me to be. I knew that I wasn't hard to get along with. I just didn't have anyone to get along with. No one cared enough to dig deeper, and those few who did, I didn't allow to get too close.

So I changed. I became more lax. My social circle started to grow, but my leadership skills were slowly going down the drain. At some point I lost control and I wasn't that responsible, stuck-up girl anymore. I was still active in my extracurriculars, still on the honor roll, but something was amiss. Not only were my leadership skills gone, but my desire to be a leader was gone too. And so was my sense of responsibility. I got tired I guess. I didn't want to be responsible anymore. I wanted someone else to take the reins for a change. But as I later found out, I am the only one responsible for myself. I still am not a student leader and I never did try to get back on the horse, but now I do try to be responsible for all my actions.

The only thing that's hard for me to accept now is a certain part of my private life (which I do not care to divulge in this blog). But as my 4-year old nephew sat on my lap tonight while I typed this entry, I knew that I'm glad he was there. Even though he was unplanned, he wasn't an accident. I'm still grateful to God for planning on bringing him into all our lives...and that is something I wouldn't change for the world.

I would like to share with you this beautiful poem by Russell Kelfer (which I read from this chapter):

You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by th Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!

This poem summed it all up for me...

THE PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE:DAY 1

2007-07-14T09:49:00.000+08:00

I've been trying to finish this book, "The Purpose Driven Life". At the end of each chapter, there is supposed to be some sort of reflection and it gives you a question to consider, a point to ponder and a verse to remember. But I never really got around to its ending. That's because to be able to maximize the potential of this book, you have to read one chapter per day. It has 40 chapters, meaning 40 days. I never even got to the 5th.

But yesterday, this book was just lying on my desk (gathering dust) and it kept catching my eye... So I read it. I have decided that in my quest to finish this 40-day journey, I will write it in my blog so that I will have no reason not to finish it. Here goes...

DAY ONE
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE

POINT TO PONDER: It's not about me.
VERSE TO REMEMBER: "Everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him." Colossians 1:16b (Msg)
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?

If you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God. You were born by his purpose and for his purpose (The Purpose Driven Life).

If I am to be brutally honest with myself, I could say that I have lost my spirituality. Oh sure, there are times that I pray, but those times were when I was having problems I couldn't seem to understand. But most of the time, when I am happy I don't even pause to think of Him. I don't go to mass because I always thought that "going to mass every Sunday doesn't prove that you are a good person, one who stays on the 'right path'. It's in what you say and do everyday that makes you a child of God." With that line of thinking, attempts at attending mass dwindled until eventually I stopped altogether.

It was a joke among my friends and I about my not attending mass. I'd say to them that if I go, I might burn into ashes even before I enter the church doors. We'd laugh about it then move on to different things. Some of my friends would even ask me to come with them to church but there will always be an alibi ready. But oftentimes there is this little voice niggling me in the back of my head pleading me to go to mass. I'd immediately dismiss it, squishing the little voice into silence.

For quite a long time, I have felt empty. Listless. I felt like a leaf blown every which way by whatever wind that caught it. There were many attempts at trying to fill that void. I partied and went out with friends almost every chance I got. I dated random guys (but never mated). Everything looked okay, but it still didn't feel right. Every night I would lie awake for awhile just thinking, "Why do I feel so empty?", and I would wait for an answer. In the quiet of each night that I pondered this question, it slowly dawned on me. Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life ( The Purpose Driven Life). I have always been so distracted with myself and with all the "important things" in my life that I have kept pushing God aside. My world did not revolve around Him and that's were my fault lies.

I want to keep this thought in mind to constantly remind myself not to be so self-centered. I want to rediscover the joy I had when I was a child. In order to attain this, I must remind myself that it is not about me but it is about God; that it all starts with GOD. I can't promise that after publishing this entry, I would be all religious and prayerful, no. I don't want to be hypocritical. It is best that I take it one day at a time just like what the book said. Hopefully, I find my way back to Him.

SOULMATE

2007-06-29T14:33:00.000+08:00

Last night, I had a dream; and in this dream I think I saw the man I am supposed to be with. In other words, I think I saw my soul mate.

It was a face I’ve never seen before. Or, should I say, it was someone that I didn’t know. I never got to know his name, only his face. But as vivid as it was, when I awoke the delicate webs that sleep has spun around me slowly disintegrated and so did the picture of his face. I was saddened yet strangely enough, hopeful, when I finally wiped away the last vestiges of sleep in my face.

Somewhere, he’s out there… and somehow someday, we will meet.

SANA, SANA, SANA...

2007-06-29T14:32:00.000+08:00

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang problema niya, hindi ko alam kung ano ang problema ko sa kaniya. Hindi namin alam kung ano ang problema sa aming dalawa.

Kanina lang, naglog-on ako sa Yahoo! Messenger at hindi ako naka-invisible gaya ng dati. Laking gulat ko nung nakita kong naglog-in din siya. Tapos maslalo akong nagulat kasi bigla siyang umalis… Ano kaya yun?? Ito ba’y dahil nakita niyang nakalog-on ako at ayaw niya akong makausap? Nung isang gabi nga, parehas kaming nasa YM at di kami nagpapansinan, para kaming naglalaro: “sino’ng unang bibigay at makikichat”.

Ang gulo na talaga ng utak ko, lalung lalo na ang nararamdaman ko. Hay lecheng pag-ibig nga naman talaga o. Wala na akong ibang magagawa kundi ang mapabuntung-hininga. Nakakalungkot isipin, kaibigan nung una, nagka-ibigan, muntik nang maging ngunit hanggang kaibigan lang pala ang makakaya. Akala ko siya na, pero sa mga asta niya nitong mga nakaraang araw? He’s not worth it.

Pero bakit ganito? Kahit gusto ko na talaga siyang pabayaan, ayaw pa rin ng utak at puso ko (leche, drama na naman. Ito ang ayoko sa mga ganito). Nakukulitan na nga ako sa sarili ko. Paano naman kasi, siya itong magulo. Sabi niya nung una, “friends” na lang daw. Tapos babaliktad, ang lambing-lambing na naman niya, kulang na lang magsyota. Syotang-ina talaga! Parang siya itong babae! Masmalala pa siya kaysa sa’kin!

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nasasaktan sa akin ngayon: ang puso o ang ego?

Mahal ko ba talaga siya o gusto ko lang siya?

Ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman niya sa akin?

Leche siya. Ginagago lang ba niya ako??

Mga tanong na di ko rin mawari ang sagot.

Sana hindi na lang umabot sa ganito, sana wala na lang nagkaaminan. Sana di na lang kami nagging malapit sa isa’t isa.

Sana, sana, sana…

69 CONFESSIONS

2007-06-26T17:38:00.000+08:00

1. The phone rings. Who do you want it
to be?
* it's either one of my BFFs

2. When shopping at the grocery store,
do you return your cart?
* nope..

3. In a social setting, are you more
of a talker or a listener?
* if i have something good to say, i
talk..but if none, i just listen..

4. Do you take compliments well?
* yes... i thank the person. I could tell if they wanted something from me naman eh.

5. Do you play Sudoku?
* a little bit. Mom does though.

6. If abandoned alone in the
wilderness, would you survive?
* i think for a few days, i would. Then I'd be prey.

7. Have you ever been in love?
* yes. a human thing.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
* what camp??haha

9. What was your favorite hobby as a
kid?
* read and read books i borrowed from the school library.

10. Who is your favorite band/ singer?
* none in particular. But i do like PCD, john legend and gwen stefani.

11. What is your favorite song?
* right now would be... Come to Me by p.diddy and nicole scherzinger.

12. Could you date someone with
different religious beliefs than you?
* it's just a date. so yeah i guess so.

14. Use three words to describe
yourself?
* beautiful, paradox, unexpected.

15. Do any songs make you cry?
* when i'm in the mood, yeah they actually do.

16. Are you continuing your education?
* yes. i'll take up the national review for the NLE.

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
* no.but i want to learn how.

18. If your house was on fire, what
would be the first thing you'd bring?
* my loved ones.

19. How often do you read books?
* often... it also depends on what book.

20. Do you think more about the past,
* i guess. but i try not to dwell on it too much. hard habit to break though.

21. What is your favorite children's
book?
* Beauty and the Beast.

22.What color are your eyes?
* chocolate brown

23.How tall are you?
* 5'4"

24. Where is your dream house located?
* by the beach or on a cliff.

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a
photo booth?
* yes. i love taking pictures.

28. When was the last time u sang?
* a short while ago.

30. Where was the furthest place you
traveled today?
* downstairs to the dining room.

32. Do you like mustard?
* yes yes, especially with mayonnaise.

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
* both.

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
* a little of both.

35. How long do you take in the shower?
* 30 minutes to an hour.

36. Can you do splits?
* i used to when i still knew karate.

37. What movie do you want to see
right now?
* Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix!!!!!

39. What did you do for New Year's?
* attended mass, eat, had some fireworks, drink some bubbly

40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?
* yeah..

42. Do you own a camera phone?
* nope.

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
* no.. she was the one being cheered on 'coz she's a varsity player on the university's basketball team plus she's the muse at the same time..hahahaha..

45. What's the last letter of your
first name?
* a

47. How many hours of sleep do you get
at night?
* depends

48. Do you like care bears?
* no.

49. What do you buy at the movies?
* ticket, food and drinks

50. Do you know how to play poker?
* nope. they kept trying to teach me though....

51. Do you wear your seatbelt?
* yeah..

52. What do you wear to sleep?
* sando and boxer shorts when its warm. shirt and jammies when it's cooler.

53. Anything big ever happen in your
hometown?
* i wouldn't know.

54. How many meals do you eat a day?
* 3..i'm trying to cut down on the snacks. haha

56. Do you always read Friendster
bulletins?
* nah.. only when I have nothing new to post here..

58. Do you like funny or serious
people better?
* both..

59. Ever been to L.A.?
* nah.. i want to..

60. Did you eat a cookie today?
* nope..

61. Do you use curse words?
* yes, especially when i'm mad..

62. Do you steal or pay for your music
download?
* is bearshare considered stealing?

64. What do you and your parents fight
about the most?
* i don't know exactly. ME??

65. Are you a gullible person?
* used to be.

67. If you could have any job..
* i wanna be an artist. a musician or a singer.

68. Are you easy to get along with?
* yes

69. What is your favorite time of day?
* night time...

Now repost this as "69 Confessions"

A CHOICE

2007-06-23T18:39:00.000+08:00

My mind is a mess. I feel like it’s going to EXPLODE any time soon. I want to scream my heart out, till all the air in my lungs has been expended. I want to destroy something, smash it with a baseball bat. I want to vent out all the anger, all the hurt that I feel inside of me. I want to get rid of this poisonous hatred that has snaked itself inside me. If not, then…

I want to fade away.

ESCAPE.

Now, I understand why “it” happens.

ESCAPE.

I feel choked. My soul is slowly fading into nothing. My life is slowly being squeezed out of me. What difference would it make if I lived or died? My soul, in a few years’ time, would be gone for good and I would be as good as dead. I struggle to try and break free but the hands that strangle me seem to be made of steel. Sadness seems to have become my shadow where even in the happiest of moments, even in the brightest of lights it will find its way behind me; A dark cloud that has momentarily been pierced by a shaft of light, only to disappear behind the same ominous curtain.

Yet, I cannot but submit myself to these iron hands. For these iron hands belong to the ones I love and care for the most.

I chose not to rebel. Oh, I tried, yes I tried. But I thought what good would it bring me? It would only destroy me, bring nothing but the worst out of me and make my life even more complicated than it already is. So I chose not to rebel.

But I am tired.

I am tired of always having to be strong. I am tired of always having to do things by myself. I am tired of making their THOUGHTS my own, unconsciously pretending that this is what I want, this is what would make me happy… this is what would make ALL of us happy. All the while, the dreams I hold closest to my heart have to be pushed aside if not forgotten. Those simple dreams that would have kept me sane and at least salvage a part of my life have constantly been buried. They say that it’s for my own good and I believe them. But when I have started to live their dreams, there I have ended mine. I do not blame them, no. It is of my own fault that I have not fought hard enough to retain my individuality. I aim to please and I have never been too comfortable with the idea that someone, especially someone dear to me, is angry or worse, disappointed in me. So this is the path I chose time and time again, only to realize that I have lost myself in the process.

I tried to take “me” back. I tried to piece myself together. But soon I discovered the iron hands are firmly around me.

I still dream my dreams sometimes. I laugh hollowly, secretly, when they ask me why I don’t follow MY dreams anymore. And there was one moment, one glorious moment when my voice tried to speak out, that I told them they never wanted me to pursue it anyway. For a moment, it left them too stunned to speak; But only for a moment.

How hard it is to fight a losing battle. How hard it is to suppress a voice that aches to speak out and be heard, truly heard and truly understood even for once. Which, when it shyly tries to speak out would soon be cowered into silence by voices louder than its own, uttered by tongues sharper and more precise in delivering the most painful lines. I have tried to be heard in different ways. I shouted, I rebelled, I cried. I tried logic, I tried reason, I tried letters, even silence. But it always ends the same way: they placate me and sweep it under the rug or threaten me into submission. All the while the rug has turned from a mole hill to a mountain. The words and the pain they’ve caused have formed the prison bars of the Alcatraz that have locked up my soul.

I do not know what will become of me. I do not know if I could do this to myself. Make myself disappear from the face of the earth. For I love life, in the hopes that someday, maybe someday my life would be my own. I want to wake up to that morning knowing that from that day forward, I would wake up to a life that is geared towards fulfilling my hopes, my dreams, my passion.

A life where I AM FREE.

2007-04-26T14:45:00.000+08:00

Magboboard exam na lang ako ng December... Paano naman kasi eh pasaway ang mga tao na dapat sila pa ang nagpapadali sa pagpafile namin ng PRC forms namin. Ang daming requirements na tila di na matapos-tapos. Para nang sinasadya talaga kaming madelay... Naaawa naman daw tuloy ako sa mga kabatch kong pilit na naghahabol ng deadline.

Ako naman...

December na nga lang...

Nararamdaman ko pa rin yung pressure.

Kabaliwan talaga ano??

Paano naman kasi, tinatanong ako ng nanay ko kagabi kung ano yung mga plano ko sa mga susunod na mga buwan. Hindi pa naman kasi ako settled sa mga desisyon ko, wala pa akong final na plano talaga, eh sa sobrang dami ng tanong, kailangan kong magbigay ng sagot. Ayun, nagbitiw ako ng mga planong hindi ko pa napag-isipan ng mabuti at hindi pa pulido.

Ayaw ko kasi yung minamadali ako into a decision.

Ang gulo ng isip kong natulog...

Kailangan kong mag-isip ng plano...

Gusto kong kumuha ng formal guitar lessons... Voice lessons... Culinary class... Work kaya?? Ewan ko...

Basta...

Bahala na muna...

DIE

2007-04-05T07:54:00.000+08:00

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15

breathe...breathe...breathe...

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15

breathe...breathe...breathe...

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15

breathe...breathe...breathe...

toot...toot..toooooooooooooooooooooot....

flat line.......

did my blogger account just die???

no....

PANAGBENGA NA!

2007-02-25T09:13:00.000+08:00

It's Panagbenga again here in Baguio... It's a time when Session Road is in "bloom" meaning it's closed and then lined with stalls of food, souvenirs, business and what-have-you's... It's a time when floats made of thousands of flowers parade and street dancing abound. It's a time when traffic is heaviest, crowds are densest, thieves are happiest and I am in my laziest mood.... HAHA!!!

But Panagbenga is fun. There are a great deal of good buys here. Although, I wouldn't advise anyone to go to the ukay-ukays because they are upping their prices!!! Porque't maraming tourists (but isn't that the point??).

On my part? I think I need a new haircut... and maybe add color to my hair too. The hair salons might have a promo at this time. Of course they'll have to take advantage of the Festival. I can hear cash registers "ka-ching"ing somewhere. Haha!!! But I'll think about it. The color I mean. My folks might kill me (rolls eyes with a sheepish smile).

Meanwhile, I'm killing time before going to the mall and get that haircut...The Flower parade hasn't ended yet and it's a hassle to try and squeeze through the crowds at this time just to be able to get to the mall, which is a few minutes' walking distance from where I live.

Lazy Dayz

2007-02-20T18:33:00.000+08:00

tinatamad akong...

>magreview...

>gumising tuwing umaga...

>magduty...

>kumain...minsan...lalo pag breakfast...

>maglakad...

>magblog...

NEW FAVORITE...

2007-02-12T20:50:00.000+08:00

I just discovered that I have a new favorite... I ABSOLUTELY LOOOOVE CHOCOLATE MOUSSE!!!

I was eating some this morning over recess and it just came to me that I don't have a favorite cake flavor...

And there it was... CHOCOLATE MOUSSE!!!

Heaven...

Hehehe...

ACHTUNG! WARNING!

2007-02-05T18:14:00.000+08:00

I keep waiting for the right person to come along and sweep me off my feet. Well, not literally, but you get the picture.

Every time a guy comes along and pays special attention to me, there is this "sixth sense" that tells me, "Nope. He's not 'The One'." Sounds cheesy like Matrix's Morpheus cheesy but hey! It's true and it works for me. It saves me from the unnecessary pouring of time and effort into something that can never work out; something that, from the start, was doomed to fail.

Sure, I've broken guys' hearts but that doesn't mean I take pleasure in doing that. It's really difficult to tell a guy "Let's just be friends," and expect that you WILL be friends.

I don't want to enter a relationship with a half-baked-me. It would be unfair to both parties. I would be unhappy, he would be unhappy and the relationship would've been a total waste. I cannot feel the willingness to commit myself wholly to one person just yet because I haven't "met" him yet. I feel, that if ever there would be someone right now, I'd just end up doing something foolish and ultimately making an enemy out of an angry ex-boyfriend, or he'd make an enemy out of me.

Sometimes though, this sixth sense can fail me. I would tend to ignore the tell-tale signs. Like for example, the guy just ended a relationship a few months back. My gut feeling would immediately sound the alarms that this guy is on the rebound. I never want to end up being the "rebounder's girlfriend" because that sucks! I hate being a substitute and worse, being a reserve. But because he's just so nice to me, I'd turn off that internal alarm.

I always knew it wasn't the right time for me... I can always feel it... But it's not a fool-proof thing. I'm glad that before I could fool myself into believing in something and someone, a very good friend of mine gave me a gentle tap on the shoulder to say, "Hey, don't force yourself. Don't waste time and effort. It's not worth it."

Thank God for good friends who watch your back.

ARGH...

2007-02-04T21:07:00.000+08:00

I feel sick.....

My nose is clogged...

I have a bad headache...

I feel like I'm going to have a fever....

My eyes hurt....

What's new with you Czar?

2007-01-31T13:22:00.001+08:00

> Okay first of all I would like to make a correction on the last question of my previous post: Have you ever thought you were going to die? My answer to that is yes, not only once but several times already. I don't have to share with you those experiences. > I think I've finally decided on a review center in which I could enroll in... But then the question is, would I be reviewing here in Baguio or in Manila? Almost everyone's discouraging me... I don't know. Lord enlighten my miiiiiiind!!!!

> Finally! I have completed all of my cases!!! I can graduate and take the board exams for June!!!!

> I am getting to hate community nursing more and more. We always take the dangerous shortcuts. I am a terrible, terrible hiker! Two more grueling weeks to go and I'll be free from it forever! At least I hope so.

> The intensive reviews have already started and our block section was combined with another. The boys from the other block are K.S.P. They have nothing better to do (actually they do and that is to listen to the discussions but I don't think they're listening...) therefore they are disturbing me. They'll get theirs... soon... I believe in th power of KARMAAAAAA (Beethoven's symphony plays).

> We have a new roommate in our dormitory. She seems nice... but overly friendly to the point of little or no self-preservation at all! She'll tell every intimate thing about herself without hesitation. In fact, you don't even have to ask! I just hope that she keeps her hands to herself. I don't want a clepto for a roommate... (THE HORROR...)

> It's really cold here in Baguio. The temperature just keeps going down! It has reached 9.6 degrees centigrade yesterday. It's amazing how I can still take a bath in the freezing water. It's even more amazing that I keep forgetting to bring a jacket with me. Well, that's partly because I'm always in a hurry to get to my class or else I'd be late again...

> Community nursing is eating away my allowance!!! All the more reason to hate iiiit.....

> I bought this new book. I'm so excited to read it. It's a self-help book.

> I love our instructor in Psychiatric Nursing (Mr. Gilbert Marzan). He's so funny and very enthusiastic about his lecture. He gives tips on taking the board exam and many more... If you want to meet him, enroll now at Northcap review center!!!! Nyahaha!!

THINGS ABOUT ME...

2007-01-15T16:01:00.000+08:00

Part1: The Birth Of You
where you a planned baby?
-i think so...

where you the first?
- nope...

who was present at your birth?
- my folks...the delivery team...

what is your birthdate?
- February 17, 1986

Part2:The Family
Are your parents married or divorced?
- married...

an only child?
- no...

if you have siblings are you
oldest,middle or youngest?
- middle

what are your sibling's names?
- Natanya Joanna, Manuel III, Raiza Alexis, Golda Margareth

which parent do you get along w/ best?
- both...

what do you fight about?
- big things, little things...

do you have step parents?
- are you a retard?

Part3:The Friends
Do you have more than one bestfriend?
- i call them my closest friends...

What do you like to do when you are
together?
- hang out, catch up on things, do crazy stuff...

Do you share the same interests?
- yeah, some...

Which friend do you tell anything to?
- si camz...si maan...

Part4:Personality
How high/low is your self esteem?
- 9 out of 10.. 1 being the lowest... siyempre love yourself before you can love others...(kanta yun ah...)

Do you get depressed about things
easily?
- not really...

Are you an extrovert or an introvert?
- a little of both... quirky that's what I am...

Are you happy?
- yes...happiness is a choice...

Do you live life to the fullest?
- i try to...

Part5:Appearance
Are you comfortable w/ the way you
look?
- kinda, yeah...

Describe your hair?
- long, black, silky hair (commercial yun ah...)

How do you dress?
- depends on my mood and the weather.

Part6:The Past
Where you a strange child?
- I was a special child. Haha!

What do you used to love that you no
longer do?
- swim; perform with my former band mates...

Was there anything in your past that
was traumatizing?
- traumatizing is too harsh a word... eye-opening is better.

Part7:The Future
What is your ambition?
- to be successful in life and achieve the ultimate "ME"

Are you scared of growing old?
- No...

Do want to get married?
- Yes... when the time is right.

Part8:The outdoors
Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?
- depends upon my mood and the weather...

Favorite season?
- monsoon...

Do you like walking in the rain?
- yes...well...when there's nothing for me to worry about if ever i get drenched.

Part9:Food
Are you a vegetarian?
- almost. i'm allergic to a lot of food.

What is your Favorite food?
- i don't have a favorite. it's hard to have favorites when you're not allowed to eat it.

What food makes you want to gag?
- stinky food, like langka or durian...

What is your favorite dessert?
- anything chocolate. chocolate cake, chocolate icecream, brownies, chocolates chocolates chocolates...

What is your favorite restaurant?
- Resto? Mario's near military cut-off...

Are you a fussy eater?
- yes. I can't help it. Like I said, I'm allergic to most foods.

Part10:Relationship and Love
Are you single or taken?
- single...

If you are taken who is the lucky
boy/girl?
- you MUST be a retard...

Do you think love is the greatest
feeling in the world?
- no... all feelings parallel each other at some point or some moment in our life.

Do believe in love at first sight?
- no... infatuation or even lust, yes.

Part11:Experience
What was one of your greatest
experience?
- let me think...

What was one of your worst?
- when i had this awful nightmare or bangungot

Have you ever done drugs?
- medications, yes. I take antihistamines whenever I ate something not good for me. HAHAHA!!!

Have you ever thought you were going
to die?
- yes...once...

PROBLEM

2007-01-15T15:47:00.000+08:00

I've been sitting on my bum for several hours now, surfing the net... and I thought,

"When life sucks... learn to spit it out."

Where did that come from??

Come to think of it...

It is true...

I'll think about it more.

INTERNET!! KONEK!!

2007-01-14T21:52:00.001+08:00

hahaha!!!! I'm connected to the internet from my laptop in our dormitory!!! I don't have to go outside!!!! I am officially a Hermit!!!!

THE NIGHT SHIFT

2007-01-10T17:23:00.000+08:00

I'm going for the night shift at Baguio General Hospital-Delivery Room tonight. It starts at 11 pm till 7 in the morning.

I've GOT to stay awake!!!

Maraming manganganak sana... (please please please...)

Sa wakas makukumpleto ko na mga cases ko...

Amoy dugo't puke mamaya... aw men!!!

I gotta get some more shut-eye...

Shit masisira na naman sleeping pattern ko!!!!!!

BLAH-BLAH

2007-01-08T19:12:00.001+08:00

Last friend you:
1. saw: Gabby...
2. Talked to on the phone: Rhuby...
3. Texted: Michael...
4. Messaged over friendster: wala eh...
5. YMed: si dean...

Today:
1. Wearing: blouse and pants
2. Better than yesterday?: definitely.

Tomorrow:
1. Is: January 08
2. Got any plans: i don't know... di 'ko sure kung may pasok... baka orientation for review
3. Dislikes about tomorrow: seeing those 3 biyatchez

Favorite:
1. Number: 17 or just 7
2. Season: summer in baguio, monsoon in ilocos

Currently:
1. Missing someone: mga dati kong kagrupo
2. Mood: apathetic
3. Wanting: to go out and have some fun

Q&A:
Q: First thing you did this morning
A: opened my eyes and tried to wake myself up

Q: Last thing you ate
A: snack. Graham cake, soda and chips

Q: Do you have anything bothering you?
A: yeah. kinda.

Q: What's annoying you right now?
A: my period. haha!

Q: What's the last movie you saw?
A: Monster house

Q: Who'd you see it with?
A: No one. Nasa room lang naman ako.

Q: What mall did you last go to?
A: SM.

Q: With whom?
A: uhmmm...Joyce

Q: Do you believe in long distancerelationships?:
A: I don't think so...?

Q: Is there a person who is on your mind rightnow:
A: Yes....

Q: Where is the last place you went?
A: my room

Q: Do you look like your mom or dad?:
A: both. dad's nose, mom's smile, mom's dimples, mom's eyes, dad's and mom's lips, dad's head shape.

Q: Do you have any siblings?:
A: have 4 other

Q: Do you smile often?:
A: yes.

Q: Do you think that a person is thinking of you?
A:Yes

Q: Do you wish upon stars?
A: I used to...

Q: Are you a friendly person?:
A: yes.

Q: Whose bed did you sleep in lastnight?
A: I don't have a bed. Hahaha! Of course, mine!!!

Q: What color shirt are you wearin?
A: pink

Q: What were you doing at 12 lastnight?:
A: washing my face. I sleep late.

Q: When is the last time you saw your father?:
A: January 02

Q: Do you have more guy friends or girl friends?
A: Guy friends

Q: When was the last time you cried?
A: i can't remember

Q: Do you get angry easily?
A: sometimes...not really

Q: What was your last thought before you went to sleep last night?
A: "i can't sleep... (shifting blankets...*sigh*) Here I go again..."

Q: Take any vitamins?
A: nope. Prophylactic antibiotic, erythromycin

Q: What are you about to do?
A: type my answer to this question

Q: Do you ever check your phone waiting for someone to call?
A. nope. text lang. Kuripot ang mga tao ngayon.

Q: Rate life as of right now 1-10.
A: 10

Q: Would you say that most people who first meet you like you?
A: most? I don't know. But they often get the impression I'm a snob. Which is SO not ME.

UPDATES

2007-01-08T17:51:00.000+08:00

>>Well, in-house reviews for the board exam are about to start tomorrow (I think) and I'm pretty excited about it. FYI: in-house reviews mean that the university will be the ones conducting the board exam review covered by our tuition fee. Our quizzes and exams are counted in the computation for midterm and final grades. Then, our teacher was discouraging us from enrolling in review centers because what they teach there would be the same stuff that they'd be teaching us in the in-house reviews. Review centers are different though, they give tips on how to take the board exam, etc., etc.

>> I'm going to enroll in a review center over the summer. I don't wanna be "blank" for two months. The problem is, which review center?? And which schedule, whole day or half day??

>> I don't know when I want to take the board exam!! It's either June or December. On one hand, I don't want to be stressed over "cramming" so much information into my head for the June board. On the other hand, I'll be left with 6 months bum time for December. What will I do with the 6 months?? My parents have OK'd withthe December board. I didn't even have to ask them. They just told me and said that "We don't want you getting stressed out."

>> Yesterday when those three (Emerj, Nancy and K-anne) came to the hospital, I ignored them. I don't want to pretend that I'm okay with what happened the other day. Sure, I gave up my slot, but with a very heavy heart and very angry mind. They should know that it's their fault. They'd better not be bitching about me behind my back.

>> This morning, I still ignored them. I'm still not okay with what they did. They're scared to approach me. I don't know what I'd do to them if they did. I'm so angry. I don't even know how I am when I'm really mad. I've never lost control. And that's scarier.

>> My hypogastric area hurts (puson).

>> I can see our university's hospital from the computer terminal where I'm sitting at. Weird enough, I miss it... (huh??)

>> I wanna bum around...Or review... Or... ACK!!!!

>> My aunt who's a doctor told me over the Christmas break that I should have my tonsils removed already. THEN, my dentist told me I should have a root canal so that my mandibular wisdom teeth would be removed (screeching and screaming noise from PSYCHO can be heard in the background)...

>> Why don't I have a boyfriend?? Oh. I remember. Right now, it's SOOOO NOT WORTH IT.

>> When can I have my tonsils removed?? I don't want my tonsils removed... What about that root canal?? (fast, buzzing sound of nailbiting)

I HATE THEM!!!

2007-01-06T21:49:00.000+08:00

I HATE MY GROUPMATES!!! THEY ARE INSUFFERABLE! I DON'T CARE IF THEY GET TO READ THIS BLOG!!! SO MUCH THE BETTER! I HOPE THEY DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!

I can't understand why they are the way they are. They are all so selfish, so self-absorbed, egoistic, stupid, self-serving, low-life, motherfucking, cock-sucking, idiotic, below-sea-level life forms!!!!!!

Today, they all got on my nerves!!!!

(deep breaths.... deeeeep breaths...... veeeeryy looooong deeeep breaaaths........)

Where to start...?

It all started when I set foot in the hospital at 6:40 in the morning. Let's name NAMES...... I was going up to the dressing room at the fifth floor when K-anne came to me and said, "Czar, czar! May kasalanan ako sa'yo... malaking kasalanan..." I was then immediately put on guard for what she was about to tell me. She told me that the four of us who weren't able to go for on-call duties last year were top priority for on-call this year. Yesterday, when I went home ahead, the other three decided that they should draw lots to see who will go for 16 hours duty today. Unfortunately, K-anne told me I was left with the number that indicated I wasn't going for on-call. I was a little pissed off because it was so unfair of them. I wasn't there. To add to that, she didn't even remember to text me and tell me about their f**king decision. I told her right then and there that it was unfair. But it was obvious that they didn't want to give up their slots, or draw lots again now that I was there.

So having been told that, I proceeded to the dressing room with a thoughtful look on my face. I went on about my work, but as the day wore on, it got more difficult.

You want to know why?

Because my ever-so-loving and helpful groupmates kept asking me to do stuff for them that they could do themselves (JUST BECAUSE IT WAS A PART OF MY ROLE IN FUNCTIONAL NURSING MODALITY. I WAS THE ROUTINE NURSE). They know I am busy, they know that I have lots of other things to do, but STILL they keep piling up all this crap on me. It was supposed to be a teamwork.

Take for example, situation 1: I told patient X to press the buzzer if ever her IV bottle is about 100 ml level already. Then, it got busy in the ward. I was ordered by the staff nurse to get the blood pressure of patient Y because she was hypertensive. But when I arrived at the ward, K-anne and Joyce were standing infront of the bed of patient X, pointing at the IV bottle which has actually run dry, and not doing anything about it. With the blood pressure cuff in hand, I was stopped in my tracks by their words. They were just staring at me and at the bottle, "Czar yung IV mo run dry na..." Oh my GOD! Don't they have any common sense?! They could help me out a little, y'know??! They could've closed the IV line and THEN called for my attention. They were risking the patient further. I admit, I was wrong because I neglected my duty, but GOD so help me... My groupmates are so... ugh!!!!!

To add the cherry on top, the four of us were having a dilemma over the on-call duty. Nancy, K-ann and Emerj didn't want to give up on their slots. On the second draw-lots, I got in. Emerj was out. But then, she insisted that we draw lots again because she HAS to go on duty tonight BECAUSE she has important stuff to do tomorrow. Yeah. Like we don't have any either!!!

SELFISH, SELFISH, SELFISH!!!

I was wasting time over bullshit, so I told them, "You know what? You can have it. Since you've already decided between the three of you to have a draw-lots yesterday and you got in, you go ahead! Have your completion duty! Anyway, I only wanted a fair chance, but since nobody wants to give up, then I GIVE UP. I'm going, because I have other more important things to do and more patients to attend to."

I felt so bad after that, I wanted to cry really hard. I felt so ANGRY. But I couldn't bring it out. I walked home to calm myself down. And believe me, it was a long walk.

Someday, they'll get theirs........ Bad Karma for them!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! and a belated Merry Christmas!!

2007-01-01T13:10:00.000+08:00

Well, it's 2007! HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Christmas in Baguio turned out to be one of the best decisions we've ever made. It wasn't so bad after all. In fact, it was great! Although I didn't get out of the house to roam around the city with my family (just like my youngest sister Golda!), I was content on staying home and just bonding with the family. It was the only time that I would be able to actually hang out with them for that long.

You see, the great thing about our house in Baguio was that it was smaller than our family house. We see each other everyday, in fact, what with our number (9 to be exact) we "bump" into each other a lot! This Christmas, it felt just the way it should be. It was really a time spent with the family together. Now if we were in Vigan for Christmas, I would almost always be found in front of my laptop typing away and surfing the net, or in bed and asleep, or in front of the television. Most of us would be doing our own thing. Sometimes, I'd only see some of my siblings during mealtime. They'd be out with their friends or holed up in their own rooms like me.

So, even if I didn't feel that excited about spending Christmas there in Baguio, I realize now that it doesn't matter where you spend your Christmas, it's whom you spend your Christmas with that matters.

New Year was celebrated here in Vigan. We passed through a town that made fireworks and I insisted that we buy even just a little. We never had a New Year's celebration with fireworks. So we bought sparklers and 2 fountains. My parents didn't want those that were too dangerous. It was okay. The sparklers and fountains turned out to be rip-offs, they didn't even sparkle. But it was quite funny! We screamed and giggled as if it were those big noisy fireworks. Last night, we all helped in preparing the food for the Medya Noche. We ate so much food and drank wine and looked at the fireworks display that our neighbors were lighting up. We laughed and told jokes, shared stories and ate some more.

Tomorrow, I will be going back to Baguio for the start of the classes for this year. The year 2006 ended wonderfully, and I hope that this year, 2007, will be the start of a wonderful journey yet again.

RANDOM THOUGHTS...

2006-12-18T19:32:00.000+08:00

> We'll be spending Christmas here in Baguio. It would be our first time. It's so cold here even if it's noon. Lotion and lipbalms are always at the ready...

> Oh well, a few more months to go and it's graduation. I think I'm going bonkers. I don't know which review center I'd be enrolling in. At first, I was really sure I'd enroll in Northcap. But now, I'm thinking of changing plans...

> Prelim examsssss... woooh... I'm supposed to be reviewing right now. But I just wanted to take a short break. De-stresssssss!!!!

> I can't wake up for the simbang gabi... I can't make me get up and get going... ARRRGH!

> My parents are here in Baguio. They came to get the hotshowers installed in our house in Pinesville. The house is ready for this Christmas!!

> Part of the reason why we'll be spending Christmas here (I guess) is because I signed up for completion duties; meaning I'll be on duty several days over the holidays. It's what is necessary! Can't blame me... I haven't completed my cases yet... So to make it more convenient for everybody, my folks decided to spend our holidays here...yey...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!!!

DOGGONE DAY...

2006-11-30T18:58:00.000+08:00

For this week I am assigned at the Obstetrics and Gynecology Ward at St. Louis University Hospital of the Sacred Heart (whew!)

My duty starts at 7 a.m. and ends at 3 p.m.

My life is boring. I didn't feel fulfilled with my duty today.

I feel like a totally useless piece of meat in pink uniform, a white apron and a tiny nurse's cap.

Dang! (in gangsta accent)

I need to do something useful tomorrow...

Then, when I went on my lunch break I got pissed off too. I saw someone I didn't like.

She's such a hypocrite. I just gave her my "sweetest" bitter smile and went on my way. Food takes first place over catfights. Not that I get into any...

And when I was about to get off duty, someone who wasn't even a close friend of mine wanted to borrow my laptop because their group was unable to bring one (actually they forgot. DUHmb thing to do).

I almost didn't lend it to them because first of all, I don't trust them with my laptop.

But I did (DUHmber thing to do).

Because my roommate happened to be their classmate and I trusted her.

So I told them that my roommate should be the only one to touch my laptop.

Now, I have to go write my position paper...

A FLEETING THOUGHT

2006-11-30T18:16:00.000+08:00

Every night as I lay on my bed and think of how my day has gone, I feel a soft nudge in the region of my heart. It seems to want to remind me that it harbors too much... Too much of what? Too much sadness, too much loneliness...

I lie in wait as I stare at a starless sky... Waiting for what? For the moon to shine and the stars to appear, winking at me as if they know my secrets...everything that I hold dear...every ache and every joy... and yet, I think they do...

I stare out the window... staring, staring, staring... but actually seeing nothing of the sunshine and the beauty that is the world outside... No tears fall from my eyes, instead I choke back.

When will the leaves fall? When will my winter pass? When will I step out of the cold and into the warmth?

I pray... and yet I do not pray...

I whisper, then, my secrets to Someone, hoping He hears them...

Slowly, slowly, I fall into a deep slumber.

Hoping that upon awakening, I will no longer find myself invisible.

TONSILLITIS EPIDEMIC??

2006-11-15T19:48:00.000+08:00

As my family and many of my friends know, I have been suffering from tonsillitis for like eternity. I've never had any afebrile episodes (fever), and only the occasional sore throat/hoarse voice. BUt apart from that, I've never suffered anything serious. Well... there was this time that I felt really bad (SINUSITIS, DRY COUGH, HEADACHE AND ADD THE TONSILLITIS), but I survived.

Then, recently, one of my roommates suffered from tonsillitis. Her fever reached up to 44 degrees celsius and at that temperature a person is supposed to be convulsing. But miraculously, my roommate was still conscious and coherent and she was even able to walk to the nearby hospital (of course we accompanied her.DUH!). I stayed with her until she was finally admitted into the hospital and her sister arrived.

The following day, one of my roommates suffered the same thing. Her temperature on the other hand was around 38.6 degrees celsius and that is still very high. As of this moment, as I am typing this entry, she is in her 8pm class. She couldn't bear to be absent.... Ah such dedication. But it's sheer (for lack of a better term) stupidity. I couldn't force her to stay. She was insistent. And no one would be left in our room to take care of her...

I just hope that it's not my fault and that I am causing some kind of new mutation for streptococcal bacteria and have turned them into super villains: Tonsillitis can now be contracted by inhaling "airborne" droplets. It originated in the Philippines from the carrier named Czarina Argel.

GOD. Infamous.

BACK TO SQUARE ONE

2006-11-10T21:31:00.000+08:00

Well, I'm almost back to square one again. Graduation is just around the corner (I DO hope I graduate this year!) After that, everything will be a fresh start.

I remember how I felt when I graduated from grade school. I felt so excited because I'll be in high school soon, and high school meant "COOL" back then. When I got to high school, it was everything I expected, and more. There were ups and downs, but that just made it all better.

4th Year of high school meant choosing colleges and of course a future profession. I chose to study Nursing in Baguio, and I was the only one among my siblings (I think) whose priority school was SLU. I only applied to 2 schools: UP and SLU.

Now, as my college days are only a few months away from ending, I can say that it has been a fun, wild, eye-opening and breathtaking ride.

And as I am nearing facing the inevitable moment of joining the workforce, I hope that my future will be as bright as the way I imagined it when I was younger...

WOULD YOU RATHER...?

2006-11-09T00:15:00.000+08:00

I got this from a Cosmopolitan Magazine. When I read it, I really couldn’t stop laughing! Read on…

Would You Rather…?

Compiled by: Zo Aguila

When caught in a boring situation (ex. A dull date, barkada convo lulls, or a delayed flight), these made-up scenarios are so intriguing (others hilarious) to think and talk about.

First Impressions:

Would you rather…

1. have no eyebrows or a one-inch thick uni-brow?

2. have a big mother nunal (tansan-sized) right on the center of your nose or a hundred moles scattered all over your face?

3. be bombshell gorgeous and really dumb or Einstein brilliant and mega ugly?

4. look like you smell bad or actually smell bad but look like you don’t?

5. have bad breath or body odor?

6. have a hot boyfriend with bad breath or a hot boyfriend with body odor?

Relationship Factor:

Would you rather…

1. someone fall for your looks or fall for your personality?

2. ipagpalit ka sa ibang girl or ipagpalit ka sa boy?

3. be the cruel heartbreaker or be the one with the broken heart?

4. be your crush’s sex pal lang (no emotional connection whatsoever) or be just his platonic pal?

5. date someone hotter than you are or be the hotter one?

In the Sack:

Would you rather…

1. your guy’s penis be ten inches long, but pencil thin or three inches long, but with the circumference of a de lata?

2. have spontaneous orgasms every couple of minutes or no orgasms at all?

3. have porn-level sex appeal or no sex appeal whatsoever?

4. your partner be so learned in bed (with countless former bedmates) or be a clueless virgin?

SAMPU

2006-11-02T15:15:00.000+08:00

TEN FAVORITES
01. televison show:
~* prison break
02. flower:
~* tulip... star gazer
03. color:
~*white & black, pink, blue, green, lavender/violet/purple
04. sport:
~* thumb wrestling. haha! swimming
05. mall:
~* favorite mall?? Wala sa sobrang dami ng mall.
06. music:
~* alternative, rock, alternative rock, some pop, RnB, etc. Check out my Friendster account na lang. Nakalink ang blog ko 'dun.
07. food:
~* Pinoy food? adobong sitaw, squash soup and Vigan longganisa!
08. season:
~* rainy... yung may intervals na walang ulan naman noh.
09. animal:
~* doggies especially the small ones. Ayoko yung mabalahibo masyado like poodles or yung malalaki masyado like Dobermann, nagsawa na ako.
10. city:
~* baguio and of course my hometown, Vigan!

TEN FACTS
01. hometown:
~* Vigan City, Ilocos Sur
02. hair color:
~* black
03. hair length:
~* past the shoulder blades... gusto ko na ngang ipagupit!
04. hair style:
~* uhmmm...style or cut? Pag style... I'm always seen with hair in a ponytail.
05. eye color:
~* dark brown. almost black.
06. shoe size:
~* 5 or six. depends on the shoe.
07. mood:
~* indefinite.
08. short/long hair:
~* refer to question 3. Duh...
09. available?:
~* not when I'm busy. Hehehe! If you mean am I single, then yes.
10. zodiac sign:
~* Aquarius

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
01. have you ever been in love:
~* of course.
02. do you believe in love:
~* naturally
03. why did your last relationship fail?
~* no comment
04. have you ever been heartbroken:
~* yup.
05. have you ever broken someone's heart:
~* I think Santa put me on the naughty list for those.
06. have you ever fallen for your best friend:
~* hmmm... almost. Caught myself in time! Hehehe!
07. have you ever loved someone but never told
them:
~* Family and friends? Nope. Other than that? Puro crush lang, and I don't plan on telling them na crush ko sila. Asa!!!
08. are you afraid of commitment:
~* i think so...i'm not really sure...
09. have you ever had a secret admirer:
~* yes... Although there's this one that I never found out his identity.
10. do you believe in love at first sight:
~*nope. What people often mistake for love at first sight is just plain attraction, infatuation or even lust.

TEN THINGS: THIS OR THAT
01. love or money:
~* both
02. hard liquor or beer:
~* uhrmm...
04. one night stands or relationships:
~* relationships of course. I'm no cheap-o!
05. televison or internet:
~* both
06. pepsi or coke:
~* pwedeng tubig na lang?
07. wild night or romantic night:
~* wild romantic night? hahaha! I'd go for romantic...
08. colored or black and white pictures:
~* depends on how good the pictures are. I like them both.
09. phone or in person:
~* again it depends. Some things are better said in person than on the phone and vice versa.
10. friendster or myspace:
~* friendster

TEN HAVE YOU EVERS
01. have you ever been caught sneaking out:
~* sneaking out of where? the classroom? sneaking in. Grade 3. I was somewhere else and I was late for the class.
02. have you ever skinny dipped:
~* haha! nope!
03. have you ever done something you regret:
~* I used to... but now I'm thankful for those things.
04. have you ever bungee jumped:
~* no but I would like to try it...
05. have you ever been on a house boat:
~* uhmm... I've been on the Super Ferry a couple of times. Does that count?? Hehehehe
06. have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker:
~* no....
07. have you ever wanted someone so badly it
hurt:
~* hmm... yes...?
08. have you ever been in love with a friend?:
~* a friend..........wait..........let me think.............in like, yes.
09. have you ever been in love to a professor?:
~* crush lang...
10. have you ever been caught looking at
your crush?:
~* Hahahahaha! a big fat YES. :)

On Middle ground...

2006-10-31T18:04:00.000+08:00

I'm often the quiet one in the family especially when I was in grade school and high school, talking only when being spoken to. Maybe because back then, I felt that if I spoke up, I wouldn't be heard anyway. So why try? Being the middle child in a brood of five is difficult, especially if the age gap is only about a year apart. A middle child is not really quite "here" nor "there". She's not one of the "panganays" and neither is she one of the "bunsos". Everybody knows that the two aforementioned are the ones who get the most attention.

My room mate was my ate. We never really understood each other though because she was already dealing with adolescence, puberty and high school while I was worrying over... I don't know. My brother, being the only boy in the family, didn't really want to hang out with girls back then (alam mo namaaan ang mga lalakeeee). The two youngest had each other. Being a middle child, I was mostly left alone (in a manner of speaking).

So in my young mind, I said to myself that I have to excel in order to be noticed. I started young. In Kindergarten, I was the only one among my siblings who would be able to study her lessons by herself (that's what mom told us). If I needed help, only then will I approach mom. This went on to grade school and then high school. I was on the honor's list and I was active in many school activities, even the student council.

I was doing great. I was almost perfect. Until one day something happened to me and I realized that I've shut out most of the people in my life, even my family. I've never really been close to anyone, not even that close to my own brother and sisters. I was uptight and quite lonely.

I was spending my last summer before freshman college started. I started to change myself then. I wanted to be closer to my two younger sisters, to my parents and to my friends, but I didn't know how to do it. I was awkward. By the time I went off to college, I didn't really know if I made any difference at all.

Now that I'm in college and graduating this school year, a lot of things have changed. I've grown and learned from life but I know I still have much to learn. I'm not as shy as before and now I'm more able to adjust to things and to people who come from different cultures and from all walks of life.

But at home, I'm still that quiet little child. A little more talkative, a little less shy, yet essentially the same.

The people who are closest to my heart are the people whom I find it difficult to be closest to. This, in turn, makes it difficult for them to really understand me. So whenever I do something that they think is out of character, they think I'm overly sensitive or rebelling. But I'm not. People change. I changed. My only problem is I find it difficult to show it to my family. I was just trying to show who I am. But whenever I do try, I end up getting my feelings hurt or hurting other people's feelings or both. I withdraw and shy away. It's a vicious cycle.

I love my family dearly. I don't think they realize just how much. They may be annoying sometimes and we may have quarrels and misunderstandings, but that's just part of it all. I'd do everything within my capabilities for them. I do my best to understand them and love them unconditionally. But what I have forgotten was to let them really understand me. To show to them who I really am. So now, another change is happening. I know it will be slow and painful, but it is what's necessary.

2006-10-29T23:28:00.001+08:00

Survey for the day:

Change your eye color, what color would they be?:

greeeen... I've always liked green eyes.

Have any hair color in the world, which color?:

auburn. To match the green eyes. HAHA!

Instantly be fluent in one language, which language and why?:

French. It's just SO sexy to hear someone speak French. You can speak dirty words but still sound so good.

Instantly be able to play an instrument, which instrument and why?:

If you say "play" do you mean "really good at it" or just plain "play"?? Well I'd like to play the guitars really well... or the piano... violin!!! Yun na lang, never ko pa kasi nasubukang tumugtog ng violin.

Get any job in the world and be good at it too,which job would it be?:

Miranda Priestly's job in "The Devil Wears Prada." I just love fashion.

Live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?:

hmmm... sounds cheesy but there's no place like home. Now if you're talking taking a trip AROUND THE WORLD...

Join any band, which band would it be?:

Boyband.Joke lang!!!! Mga dati kong kabanda nung high school.

Have any superpower, what would it be and why?

Control over time. Coz I'm usually late... and a perpetual crammer... and an expert procrastinator.

Relive one of your favorite memories, which one would it be?

when I went out with this guy and had one of the greatest conversations I've ever had...

Magically alter any aspect of your appearance without any pain whatsoever, what would you do?

magically make my skin allergy-free forever!!!!

Eliminate one bug from the planet, which one and why?

mosquitos. First they get what they want from you (which is blood of course), then they leave you with an itchy bump and give you a bonus (take your pick: malaria, dengue, etc. etc.).

Bring any TV shows that went off the air back,which ones would you bring back?

Dharma and Greg.

You were president, what changes would you make to your country?

Improve the economy for real.

Could become an animal, which animal would you be?

I've always thought I'd be a good tiger.

Eliminate any class from your schedule, which would it be and why?

None coz they're my majors. Duh! 4th year!!

Eliminate one season, which one and why?:

None because the Philippines only have two. Grabe naman pag sobrang ulan o sobrang init!?

Improve one of your five senses, which one would you improve?

Hearing. May bad habit kasi akong selective hearing. At para magkaalaman na rin. Bwahahahah!!!

Instantly become famous, what would you want to be famous for?

Music and Design

Change your name, what would you change it to?

I'll leave my name just the way it is. I love my name.

Paint your room, what colors would it be?

Pastel colors. More on green or lavender.

Be an instant millionaire, what would you do with the money?

Make more millions until they're zillions!

Meet any famous person, who would you meet?

the Dalai Lama...cheesy. Okay I wanna meet Angelina Jolie.

Master one school subject, which subject wouldyou choose and why?

NCM (meaning lahat ng NCM subjects ko) kasi feeling ko kulang na kulang ako sa mastery. Bwahaha!!

Visit any planet, no matter how far or how bad living conditions are, which would you visit?

Mars. It might be the next best thing to earth in future.

Spend an unlimited amount of money in any one store, which store would it be?

Saks. HAHA..

Go back to one of your younger ages, what age would you be again and why?

Before I hit puberty. Because I didn't care how I looked back then... Hindi pa ako nako-"conscious"... Hehehe...

Get one piercing and/or tattoo without any pain,what would you get?

I don't like tattoos because they look dirty (and think about your grandpa's jiggly arm with your grandma's face tattooed on it). Pierce? Sa belly button siguro...

GIRL FRIENDS VS. GUY FRIENDS

2006-10-27T13:21:00.000+08:00

I've been thinking lately why I have more guy friends than girl friends that I really like to hang out with.

The PROS:

GUY FRIENDS

1. can go anywhere because they don't have pedicures to worry about.

2. can do sporty stuff... lots. Billiards, table tennis, lawn tennis, basketball, wall climbing, swimming, thumb wrestling. What else? Take your pick.

3. can talk to you about anything and everything under the sun. They can give you a guy's point of view. They are direct to the point.

4. If you're with nice guys, they're gentlemen and would offer to give you a lift home or pay the bill when you eat fishball.
5. have other guy friends who happen to be your crush. You can hang out with your friend plus your crush.

6. are really funny.

7. allow you to be comfortable with them, dress in more comfortable clothes, have really gross contests like burping contests, farting contests (not really.hehehe!). They're not that conscious of how stupid they'd look when you'll go to a gamezone.

8. An acoustic guitar (plus a beatbox if we're that lucky), a few drinks and some food are all we need and we're good to go.

9. can eat anything and you can pig out with them. They don't care about the calories.

10. Fall in love with you. Guy friends can get really nice and you're lucky if you like the guy too.

The Cons:

GUY FRIENDS

1. often get really prissy with their hair. They hate it when you touch their hair. AND their shoes, especially if it's white or leather.

2. cream you at sports if you really don't know how to play. No mercy. "Walang girl-girl dito!"

3. sometimes forget that they're with a girl and the subject gets... well... sensitive. But if you're okay or comfortable with that, then cool.

4. sometimes forget that they're still with a girl and they treat you like one of the guys. Have you seen your guy friends pull up a chair for their other guy friends??

5. When you're hanging out with your crush's barkada and him, you see him do really stupid things... icky things like pick his nose or fart really loudly (and stinks really bad too).

6. can tease you to no end until you actually cry/get mad/get really mad.

7. sometimes go out in their ratty clothes. Slippers, shorts and their favorite old t-shirt. The ultra-comfy-look. You can't talk about make-up and all that girly stuff. Most guys also hate shopping when they're with girls. (Whatever!)

8. The songs they sing are totally far from the songs you like. So basically you don't appreciate their acoustic jam sessions. Aw just listen!

9. can out-eat you so don't try to out-eat them. But I can out-eat some guys. HAHA!

10. Fall in love with you. Guys can get really mushy and touchy-feely. Too bad for you if you don't like the guy and he JUST.WON'T.TAKE.NO.FOR.AN.ANSWERRRRR!

Oftentimes I find it difficult to mingle with girls. It may not show, but gurl if only you could read my mind! I've been backstabbed so many times by some of my closest friends that I've grown cynical. I seem to have never learned until the last straw.

The PROS:

GIRL FRIENDS

1. can go and shop with you till you both drop. It's also okay with them if you linger more around one particularly interesting shop.

2. can understand you because she's the same sex as you. Girl friends can share with you great advice on kikay stuff, boy stuff, problems of the heart and so on.

3. can give you a hug anytime you want, even if you ask for it, without anyone putting malice into it. You can giggle and be silly with them without nauseating them (boys get green in the face when we do that kasi).

4. can be told those secrets that you just can't tell your guy friends (like you have a crush on his kabarkada) and they can be trusted to keep it that way.

5. can keep up with you in gabfests or movie marathons on all those chick flicks and definite cutie-sighting movies especially when it's a sleep over.

6. are okay with it if you would cry infront of them. They'd know the right thing to do and the right pick-me-up item to lighten your mood.

7. won't fall inlove with you. They're not into that kind of sexuality.

8. would fight tooth and nail for you when they feel you've being dissed by some lame chick.

9. cover for you when you're into some trouble (either with a guy, your parents or some other person).

10. know when you're not okay.

The Cons:

GIRL FRIENDS:

1. sometimes borrow money from you (meaning, it's deducted from your allowance/salary) just to buy that oh-so-cute-little-t-shirt you both ogled in the store window.

2. can't give you much help when you're in need of technical/mechanical help with thingamajigs. They'd whine endlessly that they're tired and bored and want to sit down and drink coffeeeeeee......... ugh. Not much help.

3. can't hug you if they're not into that kind of thing. They think it's...corny? It's just not their thaaaaannngggg.

4. can use those deep dark secrets as weapons of destruction in your life. Enough said.

5. can outgab you. I mean come on, go to sleep already!

6. would nag on you if you cry over a guy. You end up feeling sorrier for yourself.

7. may fall inlove with you especially if they're into that kind of sexuality. Or they suddenly change lanes.......

8. wouldn't even lift a finger for you cause they "don't want to get involved."

9. would rat on you if they see that there's more to gain from that.

10. would ignore you even if they know you're not okay.

But in college, I was fortunate enough to have been able to meet the special people who've shown me that girls are also okay to be with. They've helped me heal some of my wounds. I may have a long way to go, but I thank them for it. They are my honeys for life.

2006-10-24T10:44:00.000+08:00

Infallible, he seems to be. Yet I, and I alone, see through his facade.

I see him smile at me with that twinkle in his eyes.
I pause to wonder what it means.
What is he thinking right now?...

I see him come closer towards me,
step by step, slowly and surely.
My every heartbeat aching.

I see him lift his hands to my face
His eyes seaching mine,
Seemingly trying to burn right through.

I'm drawn to him like a moth to a flame.
I gaze away, only to find my eyes wandering back to him.
I draw closer to the heat that the flame emits.

He knows this hidden place within me I call my refuge.
He knows my deep, dark secrets.
He knows me like no one has ever known me.

It turns out, he is the one who sees through my facade.

Not I, not I.

SONG-WRITING...

2006-10-20T11:53:00.000+08:00

Song-writing...

It's what I do when I've got time on my hands and inspiration strikes.

It's not really difficult. All you need are a good grasp of the chosen language, a lot of angst or whatever emotions you're feeling right now, writing materials, basic knowledge on chords-reading, ability to play at least one musical instrument, and most important: loads and loads of inspiration.

Easy, right...

Well, if you're feeling discouraged right now, don't sweat. Take me for example. I don't know how to lay the chords, but I can hum a tune. If you have a recorder (whether it's a tape recorder, your pc or even a studio!), you can come up with the lyrics and the tune, then find someone who's willing to do the chords for you. Though I doubt it if it would be free. Maybe they'll ask for a free meal or something...

You can write about almost anything. Your dog, your day, your whatever and whoever. Just make sure that it's got substance, not just a bunch of meaningless phrases and sentences.

With those in mind, go on! Write your song and sing it to the world. Or sell it!!!!!! Bwahaha!!!!

When Boredom Strikes!!!

2006-10-17T13:13:00.000+08:00

What happens when boredom strikes:

1. People resort to Friendster...

2. People update their Friendster...

3. People create blogs...

4. People update their blogs...

5. Sleep is often a favorite...

6. Raiding the fridge...well basically eating is never far behind...

7. Stupid ideas (like "canning your fart, light up a match, drop it in the can and see if it explodes" kind of stupid) come out of the woodwork.

8. Humiliating yourself after acting on that stupid idea.

9. The television is your hangout buddy. The remote control is your bestfriend. And the couch is your girlfriend/boyfriend.

10. You can't think of anything to add to this new entry anymore...

so...

Gotta go...

a stupid idea just popped into my head.

Dive...

2006-10-15T20:16:00.000+08:00

Whenever I take a dive at the edge of a pool, I get nervous. Heart beats a little faster, breathing becomes shallow, adrenaline shoots up, eyes dilate. All my senses are tingling.

Similar situations:
1. Being chased by a dog...well...being chased by anything and anyone you want to run away from!

2. Taking a really really really difficult exam or undergoing a really really really painful ordeal.

3. Feeling happy... EXTREMELY happy. Non-drug-induced. For some personal reason. Like passing that really really really difficult exam or surviving that really really really painful ordeal.

4. Falling in love, like or even getting infatuated.

I feel I have been given the "unqualified" stamp mark on that last item. I mean, who does that??

Why is Czarina "unqualified" to fall in love, like or even get infatuated (at present):
1. She's scared, perhaps? (of what??)
2. She doesn't want the trappings that go along with it, maybe?
3. She doesn't want the rollercoaster ride that's waiting to pounce on its unsuspecting victims...

But isn't that supposed to be the beauty of it all? To fall in love and not know where it will take you; what matters is who you journey with.

Am I trying too hard? Or am I not trying at all?

Should I wait for love to come knocking at my door? Or should I go out and look for it?

"It's not yet your time," my well-meaning friends would say. For awhile I believed them. But tonight, as I sit infront of my laptop and contemplate, I ask myself, "When will it ever be??"

It's difficult to be in love. I have seen my friends go through it all; the tears, the quarrels, the make-ups and the break-ups. But it's great to fall in love too; sweet nothings, meaningful talks, comfortable silences, little quirks that make him/her so much more human and even more lovable.

Do I want this?

Yes. A part of me does.

But a part of me also shies away from it.

I want my nights to be worry-free. I don't want what love can do: deprive people of their sleep, create the deepest frowns and ultimately leave the worst wrinkles. In short, it drives people crazy.

When will I, as a whole being, want all the insanity and beauty that go along with love?

People say that when we meet the right person, we'll instinctively know.

God. I hope my instincts won't be hibernating when that time comes.