It's who I am... How I think... and what I'd like to share to the world...

Whenever I take a dive at the edge of a pool, I get nervous. Heart beats a little faster, breathing becomes shallow, adrenaline shoots up, eyes dilate. All my senses are tingling.

Similar situations:
1. Being chased by a dog...well...being chased by anything and anyone you want to run away from!

2. Taking a really really really difficult exam or undergoing a really really really painful ordeal.

3. Feeling happy... EXTREMELY happy. Non-drug-induced. For some personal reason. Like passing that really really really difficult exam or surviving that really really really painful ordeal.

4. Falling in love, like or even getting infatuated.

I feel I have been given the "unqualified" stamp mark on that last item. I mean, who does that??

Why is Czarina "unqualified" to fall in love, like or even get infatuated (at present):
1. She's scared, perhaps? (of what??)
2. She doesn't want the trappings that go along with it, maybe?
3. She doesn't want the rollercoaster ride that's waiting to pounce on its unsuspecting victims...

But isn't that supposed to be the beauty of it all? To fall in love and not know where it will take you; what matters is who you journey with.

Am I trying too hard? Or am I not trying at all?

Should I wait for love to come knocking at my door? Or should I go out and look for it?

"It's not yet your time," my well-meaning friends would say. For awhile I believed them. But tonight, as I sit infront of my laptop and contemplate, I ask myself, "When will it ever be??"

It's difficult to be in love. I have seen my friends go through it all; the tears, the quarrels, the make-ups and the break-ups. But it's great to fall in love too; sweet nothings, meaningful talks, comfortable silences, little quirks that make him/her so much more human and even more lovable.

Do I want this?

Yes. A part of me does.

But a part of me also shies away from it.

I want my nights to be worry-free. I don't want what love can do: deprive people of their sleep, create the deepest frowns and ultimately leave the worst wrinkles. In short, it drives people crazy.

When will I, as a whole being, want all the insanity and beauty that go along with love?

People say that when we meet the right person, we'll instinctively know.

God. I hope my instincts won't be hibernating when that time comes.